Bou-san: The hangover and the parasite
by Snavej
Summary: The last thing Houshou Takigawa wanted when he was rudely awoken at 8:03 AM was to be called into SPR to cover for Mai when he had a hangover. But he loved his Jou-chan like the daughter he never had, and so did it anyway. [Random oneshot, fluffyish/funnyish?]


Houshou forced his head further under his pillow as the loud ringing of his phone echoed around his bedroom. The harsh tones penetrated his head like daggers trying to rip his hungover brain into lots of little pieces.

Thankfully, the phone stopped ringing a minute later. Houshou sighed, wriggled around to get comfy and began to drift off again when—

RING RING. RING RING.

"Oh for fu—"

Houshou sat bolt upright, sending his pillow flying and his head spinning.

"Ouch."

RING RING. RING RING.

Wincing, his hand reached for the mobile phone. He made contact with the device and grasped it tightly in his hand. Bleary eyes attempted to focus on the screen.

 **Mai is calling you!**

"Mai," he read out.

His eyes darted to the time; it was three minutes past eight.

"What on earth…"

He swiped his thumb across the screen to answer the call.

"Bou-san? Are you okay? You weren't answering your phone!"

"Jou-chan, please, it's the middle of the night and my head hurts…"

"Have you been out drinking again?" Mai's voice scolded. "You're not as young as you used to be, you've got to look after yourself."

"It was an after party," Houshou moaned in his own defence. He heard Mai tutting and sought to distract her. "Why are you calling this early anyway? Do we have a case?"

"Oh, nothing like that! I need you to cover for me at work today."

"What?"

"Please? At least until this afternoon when Yasuhara can take over?" Mai pleaded.

"But why?"

"I'm feeling under the weather, that's all, I just need to pop to the doctor."

Houshou heard a deeper voice in the background scoff, followed by Mai saying something away from the phone.

"But I have no idea how to do your job?"

"It'll be fine, just bring Naru his tea and read through the incoming mail for potential cases. If anyone comes in just be polite and make them drinks and stuff. If you can just cover those things, I can catch up on my other duties tomorrow."

Houshou caught about half of what Mai had said. His brain slowly processed the sentences and filtered it down to two main things: tea and mail.

He was a grown man. He could handle tea and mail.

"Please, Bou-san?" Mai pleaded. "You'll be allowed all the ice coffee you can make yourself!"

Coffee stuck a chord inside Houshou's brain. Coffee equalled good. He found himself nodding before realising Mai could not see him.

"Of course I will Jou-chan, anything for you," he said. "When do I need to be there?"

"Well Naru will be getting in for eight-thirty, but I'm sure that he'd be okay with nine."

"Sure."

"Thank you so much! You're the best!"

Houshou hung up. His eyes refocused on the alarm clock beside his bed. Eleven minutes past eight. What had he just agreed to?

Stumbling from his bed, Houshou made his way to the bathroom. He stripped off last night's clothing and all but fell into the shower. Hating himself, he turned the water temperature right down.

Icy shards slashed at his skin. He squealed like a small child. Grateful that Ayako wasn't about to hear him, Houshou lathered his hair up with far too much shampoo. The red haired doctor floated through his mind as he did so. Their on-off relationship was currently off, not a setting of his choosing though, he might add.

He pondered whether or not he should text Ayako. Their last fight had been over something so ridiculous he could not remember what it had been. But perhaps he was still drunk. Perhaps it was the alcohol talking.

Perhaps alcohol would make dealing with Naru all day a little easier…

Houshou laughed and was rewarded with a mouth full of shampoo and water. He spat it out. Ten minutes later, he forced himself out of the shower and into some semi-smart clothing. He new Naru would not care what he wore, but if Houshou was going to be representing the business that paid him so handsomely for his time, then he wanted to give off a good impression.

He pulled his hair up into a top knot style bun to keep it out of his face and with the thought of coffee encouraging him, Houshou headed out of the door.

* * *

"You're late."

"Nice to see you too, Naru-bou," Houshou replied as he closed the office door behind him.

"Tea."

Naru's office door shut behind him.

Houshou dumped his jacket on the back of Mai's office chair and flicked the kettle on. He found the pots of coffee and tea and started making the drinks.

He had never realised before just how bright they kept this office. The lights burnt his eyes. Damn that big window.

Houshou knocked on Naru's door before entering, as he knew from years of observing Mai that Naru preferred it this way.

"Enter."

Houshou opened the door and placed the tea down on Naru's desk.

"Thank you."

Ah, yes. The manners that had been beaten into him by the joint forces of Madoka, Mai and Luella. Houshou smiled.

"So what's wrong with Mai? She didn't say," he began.

Naru sighed, visibly annoyed. He picked up the cup of tea and sipped at the hot liquid. Sneering slightly at it's quality, he placed the teacup back down and addressed Houshou's question.

"I believe it to be a parasite."

"Like a tapeworm?"

"Something like that."

"Like you get from raw meat? You let her eat something dodgy?"

"I think if she had eaten it then she would not be in this situation."

Houshou's mind could not make sense of this statement, so he did not try.

"But she'll be okay though? Parasite pass through the body right? And then she'll be okay?"

"Yes, it may take a while, but I am sure Mai will make a full recovery. Now if you don't mind, I actually have some work to do."

Houshou took that as his queue to leave.

He sat down in Mai's chair, readjusted it to a height that suited someone of his stature, instead of that of a child. Pulling the mail towards him with one hand, he took a large gulp of coffee.

"Letter number one. Dear Sir slash Madam," Houshou read aloud, hoping this would make the words clearer in his mind. "Please help me contact my dead wife, not only do I miss her terribly, I need to locate the key to the family safe and only she knew where it was."

Houshou paused and scanned the rest of the plea for help.

"Do we even do that sort of thing? I mean Masako might be able to help but…" he trailed off, unsure. He placed the letter in a 'maybe' pile and opened the next one.

"Dear Sir slash Madam, my house is filled with ghosts that haunt my every waking hour. I am willing to pay you a large fee to rid the house of these terrors to my daily life."

Houshou frowned at the letter. How did Mai make decisions on these things? He put this one on the 'maybe' pile too.

"Dear Sir slash Madam, can you come and hold a seance for my birthday party? My friends and I are really into the occult and would love to have a professional guide us through the ritual."

A definite 'no'. The image of Lin and Naru in party hats alone was enough.

"Where is Lin?" Houshou wondered aloud. Feeling that three letters out of the pile was a good start on a day's work, he got up and wandered over to Lin's little office room.

The room was empty of its usual keyboard tapping inhabitant.

"Odd."

Remembering that Mai had an office diary on her desk, Houshou located it and flicked it open to this week.

"Monday," he read, "Lin away."

Houshou sighed and flicked back a page, Lin had been away for the previous week too. Perhaps he was on holiday? Then it struck him that even though Mai was not here, he could still text her.

 **Houshou: Why isn't Lin here? How is your dr's appt?**

 **Mai: You shouldn't be texting at work! Lin's on holiday with Madoka, they've gone to Bali. He's back next week.**

"Bali?"

Houshou frowned, trying to recall something about Bali, but all he came up with was beaches and snorkelling. Somehow Lin and snorkelling did not seem to fit. Houshou could not even imagine Lin in swimming trunks let alone at the beach.

"Must've been Madoka's idea."

Yes, Madoka would be all for the action packed holiday, going snorkeling and touring around the local attractions. Houshou had just begun to entertain the idea of whether or not Lin would get a tan when he realised he ought to continue through the stack of mail.

"Dear Sir slash Madam, I am writing to requ—"

"Tea."

Houshou looked around, annoyed and wondered instantly how Mai put up with Naru all day. How was he supposed to get any work done if he had to get up every five minutes to make tea?

He made the tea and returned to the letters. By the end of the stack, he had a few 'no's and several 'maybe's. But not a single 'yes'. He would have Mai take a look at them, she had a far better eye for what Naru was looking for in a client.

Houshou was glad that nobody had visited during the day. Between his headache and Naru's repeated requests for tea, he was not sure if he could have stomached being polite to strangers.

After a rather plain lunch — all he could eat without vomiting were plain onigiri — Houshou realised he had never replied to Mai's text.

 **Houshou: Bali huh? Can't imagine Lin on a beach!**

 **Mai: Naru will kill you if he finds you on your phone during work hours. And yeah I think it had something to do with his cousin's wedding?**

 **Houshou: The side of the family that hates the Japanese?**

 **Mai: I think all sides of his family hate the Japanese.**

 **Houshou: And he took Madoka?**

 **Mai: She volunteered. I'm sure it made the trip more interesting.**

Houshou began to type out his reply when he felt a prickly gaze on him. He looked up to see Naru glaring at him.

"I am not paying you to text."

"I was asking Mai about where Lin was! I was concerned for my coworker."

Naru raised an eyebrow in disbelief and then, with a roll of his eyes, returned to his office.

 **Houshou: I think Naru is in a good mood.**

 **Mai: Why?**

 **Houshou: He did not kill me when he saw me on my phone. Maybe it's because I mentioned you…**

When Mai did not respond, Houshou was forced to find something else to do with his time. This began with making Naru yet another cup of tea, though this time it was unprompted. Then he made himself another coffee to drink while he tried to think of something else to do. Unfortunately, between Mai and the cleaner that came in once a week, the office was immaculate so he could not tidy.

After idly squaring up the piles of opened letters, he put the envelopes that they had come in in the recycling bin. He shredded the 'no' pile and then recycled that too.

Just as he was wishing that he had kept some of the 'no' letters to screw up and play waste paper basket basketball, the office door opened and in burst Mai, followed closely by Yasuhara.

"You mean to tell me you've been off with this young scallywag while I've been suffering here!" Houshou burst out as he stood.

Mai laughed.

"No, I just met him on the way up!" she said, still giggling. "He was on his way here to take over from you, but I'm here now."

"But you're ill!" Houshou exclaimed. "You should be in bed or something! Naru-bou said you'd caught a parasite or something!"

Houshou had never seen Mai's face drop so quickly into a scowl.

"He what?"

"He said that he thought it was a parasite making you ill…"

Mai pouted and drew herself up to her full height.

"Excuse me," she said tersely, "I need to have word with my husband."

Houshou and Yasuhara watched her stalk into Naru's office.

"I don't think it was a parasite," Houshou mumbled. "She's scary."

"The only thing scarier than Mai, is how much I have missed you Bou-san!" Yasuhara declared, throwing himself onto Houshou.

"Oh get off."

"You love me really."

"Yeah, sure kid."

Before their banter could progress, a sudden outburst emanated from Naru's office.

"...how dare you!"

Yasuhara and Houshou shared a look before both darting to Naru's office door and placing their ears against it.

"...think you'll find that the dictionary definition of parasite—"

"I don't care what the dictionary definition of parasite is! You can't call our baby that!"

Houshou and Yasuhara's mouth's dropped simultaneously.

"Would you prefer I call it 'it'?"

"No! That's horrible too!"

"Then what do you want me to call it?" Naru's voice deadpanned.

"I don't know but something nicer than 'it' or 'parasite'!"

"The foetus?"

"I am going to phone your mother later and I am going to tell her and then I am going to pass the phone to you so you can deal with all of her squealing if you don't stop being—"

Mai's voice, that had been getting increasingly upset, was suddenly muffled.

"Look, you pick a name that you would like us to refer to the baby to and I will use it. Now go and tell those two idiots out there officially so that they stop listening at the door."

Yasuhara and Houshou rushed away from the door. They both slumped into the sofa and struck up a conversation.

"So Lin is in Bali?" Houshou prompted. "Do you think he'll get a tan?"

"I doubt it, I bet he has a parasol to save his vampiric skin from the sunlight. I'm just hoping he brings back good omiyage!"

Mai exited Naru's office at that point. The two men looked around and watched her walk over and take a seat.

"So? Do we need to hide the body?" Yasuhara joked.

"No!" Mai frowned. "Why would you need to do that?"

"Well you walked in there looking like you were about to kill him."

"I wouldn't kill my baby's father! Then they wouldn't have one! That'd be awful!" Mai wailed, fresh tears rising to her eyes.

"We'd be wonderful fathers to any baby of yours!" Yasuhara declared, pointing between himself and Houshou.

"But you're going to be godfathers!"

"We are?"

Mai's face went pale.

"Hang on! You were listening in, weren't you?!"

"Uh—"

"You sneaky—"

"But we're so happy for you Mai!" Yasuhara interrupted quickly. He pulled Mai closer and hugged her. Houshou quickly got in on the hug and Mai was soon distracted from her annoyance.

"How long have you known?" Houshou asked, when they finally released her.

"I've suspected for a while… But something happened last night that made Naru book me a doctor's appointment."

"What?"

"Well… I made him a cup of tea and… Well I've been suffering from a bit of morning sickness. I, um, I puked in his tea by accident. And I wasn't going to give him it, obviously, but I went to wash my mouth out and wipe my face and when I'd got back to the kitchen he'd already taken it…"

"Ewwww, that is so gross."

"How did you get it just in the cup and not everywhere?" Yasuhara asked.

"Well it was like a hiccough of sick—"

"Stop right there, Jou-chan, please."

"He asked!"

"Yeah but eww."

They laughed themselves into silence.

"So will you?" Mai asked.

"Will we what?"

"Be godfathers?"

"Of course!" Houshou said, a statement soon echoed by Yasuhara.

"I am going to be the best godfather," Yasuhara went on. "I will teach this kid everything that is important."

"We should party!" Houshou suggested.

"I can't drink," Mai complained. "So no. And you need to lay off it anyway! I don't want a drunkard around my baby!"

"For you, Jou-chan, I will never touch another drop."

"I'll believe that when I see it," Yasuhara teased.

"How dare you!" Houshou said in mock horror. "I would do anything for my lovely Jou-chan!"

"But I agree we need to have a party, a non-alcoholic party with cake!" Yasuhara went on. "Now, you get phoning people and I am going to get the food! We'll meet back here in half an hour."

Much to Naru's disgust, the 'party' took place an hour later and involved all of the SPR irregulars that were not in Bali.

* * *

 **Author's note: So my dear friend, FrenchCirce, had a tough day today and so I was like "Yeah, I'll write fluff" and she gave the suggestions of "noll x tea and something about Monk" and this is what happened!**

 **I have no idea where I was going with this little oneshot for half of it, but I hope it made someone smile? Or laugh? Or something...**

 **Please review!**


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